Tame Your Money Anxiety

Deciding One's Legacy

In this week's Jewish Journal of Los Angeles, I write on the importance of sharing estate planning ideas with those it will impact. Click here to link to the article. 

January 23 Talk: Raising Financially and Socially Responsible Children

I'm pleased to announce my next talk, Raising Financially and Socially Responsible Children. I am presenting in conjunction with the Skirball Cultural Center's Learning for Life series. If you or someone you know is interested, please go directly to the Skirball website by clicking here. The workshop will be from 2-5 PM on Sunday, January 23, 2011. Admission is free to Skirball members and $15 for non-members. I look forward to seeing you there! 

Free Beverly Hills Seminar: Communicating about Money

I'm pleased to announced a FREE one hour community seminar I will be giving, called  Minding the Money Gap: Communicating about Money in Relationships. The  seminar will be held at the Beverly Hills Public Library on Monday, October 4, 2010 at 6:15 PM. If you or someone you know may be interested in attending, click here to learn more about the event.  I look forward to seeing you there! 

Creating a Sense of Abundance

    In the current era of “frugality chic” it can be easy to fall into a poverty mindset and therefore focus more on our scarcity than on our gifts.  Here then are a few tips to create an increased sense of abundance, as a reminder that even when resources are limited, there are always ways to increase our sense of bounty. I’d be curious to hear your tips as well, so please post a comment if you have ideas to add!

Remember often bounty is a state of mind

In a recent New Yorker article, Elizabeth Kolbert, reporting on books about happiness, cites that the citizens of wealthier nations are no happier than those in poor nations, and that some Americans might only enjoy their riches if they know they have more money than others. These examples suggest that once our basic needs are met, our sense of bounty has more to do with our states of mind than the size of our bank accounts.

Make a donation to charity, however tiny

Happiness studies show that philanthropy improves the moods of the givers. Spending time volunteering for a cause that is meaningful, or giving even a small donation to charity connects us to what is important to us instead of what is lacking in our lives. We also don’t need a lot of discretionary income to make a difference. After the Haiti earthquake, the Red Cross received in seven days over $24 million in $10 text donations. 

Treat yourself to small luxuries

As we become more budget-minded, it’s important that we don’t become so extreme that we stop the energy flow of money altogether.  In addition to making small charitable donations, we can find creative ways to treat ourselves inexpensively so we are less focused on deprivation and more focused on bounty (budgeting can be like dieting in this way). Even if we can’t afford all the luxurious we would like, most of us can manage to treat ourselves every now and then even in small ways. So if we have decided to cut out our daily Starbucks, perhaps we can indulge once a week or once a month rather than not at all. If we can’t make that vacation to France, perhaps we can afford an overnight more locally, or at least enjoy a croissant while listening to Edith Piaf! A “small luxury fund” for weekly treats even in very small amounts will feel like a small nurturance.

Do things that are fun and nurturing that are free

I recently took a class in which we were asked to write a list of what makes us happy. To my wonderment, when I looked back on my list I noticed none of them cost much money. The list included such items as connecting with good friends and family, spending time in nature, listening to music, and playing with puppies.  What would be on your list? When we want to nurture our sense of abundance, we can look to this list and be mindful of taking part in things that bring us joy. Perhaps explore a part of town you’ve never seen, or learn a new skill. For those who enjoy cultural events, here in LA there are many summer free concerts, free museum days, and of course the local libraries.

Appreciate what we do have

In a recent community presentation I gave on the psychology of financial stress, one participant reminded us that we could manage financial stress by counting our blessings rather than our deficits. This may sound basic, but in the throes of financial unease, it’s amazing how easily we can forget. I personally find it helpful to make a practice of this (so I remember to do it) by making a daily gratitude list of things I’m grateful for. What does work in your life? What are you grateful for that cannot be taken away regardless of economic circumstances?

Once we meet our basic needs, given any particular set of economic circumstances, we can choose to adopt a poverty mindset or a prosperity mindset by focusing on our bounty rather than our deficits and by being open to connect with this bounty. Please share with me your ideas of how you create abundance in your life.

 

Money resolutions: Overcoming money avoidance

     ‘Tis the time of year when we gather our resolve to turn over a new leaf. We make lists, plans, proclamations. Sometimes we hum along nicely for a while, ticking off items from our list. But some resolutions we somehow never manage. What happens? Most of us like to chalk it up to some defect in ourselves like “laziness” or “lack of discipline.” But often avoidance derives from something deeper, especially when it comes to the emotionally charged topic of money.  Many of us would prefer to see ourselves as lazy than face the emotional underpinnings of our avoidance.

Resolutions related to money behaviors top many people’s resolution lists this year. Such money resolutions include: build a savings plan, charge what I’m worth, pay off credit card debt/loans, spend within means, research savings on household bills, pay bills on time, make a budget, research investments, become more organized around finances, learn about investing, call a financial planner, communicate better about money, and so on. Unfortunately, few will actually follow through on many of these resolutions. Though people often report feeling relief and a greater sense of control when they do, many will avoid these altogether rather than face the financial and emotional vulnerabilities that arise when they face money head on.

To be sure, change is invariably hard and enduring change in behavior takes commitment over time.  But emotions about money also greatly impact our success in following through on our money resolutions. While these feelings could be highly idiosyncratic, some common ones include stressful feelings about money, shame about our financial situations or level of financial knowledge, and feelings of hopelessness and overwhelm around money (“I’m so far gone, why bother even trying?”). Sometimes money avoidance is paired with magical thinking: an irrational hope beyond hope that if I ignore it, perhaps it will go away or I will somehow be rescued. Facing money would somehow now make it more “real” and we may feel overwhelmed by that prospect. 

But money avoidance is nothing to be ashamed of. Apparently humans have a long history of money avoidance and irrational emotionality around money. A recent New York Times article traces a history of accounting avoidance back to the 15^th Century, and cites the emotional difficulties of facing financial realities as a driving factor in this avoidance.

How then do we override the strong human emotional impetus to avoid changing money habits?  Instead of making long lists of resolutions that are easy to avoid, perhaps it’s easier to orient towards one simple intention – a moving towards. We have to dig deep into our willingness to uphold the intention, but when we do it’s easier to keep our focus. Once we have an intention, we can create a short phrase to remind ourselves of this intention daily. So if, for example, someone wants a more peaceful relationship with money, the intention could be “this year I want to face money even if it brings up difficult feelings because ultimately this will bring me the peace I desire.” A simple daily mantra can become: “face money.”  

Let’s not expect this to be easy- it takes courage and commitment to change habits- so go gently, and don’t get discouraged if it feels harder than it “should.”  What would it require to uphold this intention? Some will be able to find an intention and keep clear on the warrior path without outside help. Others will find great benefit from teaming up with a buddy, group, coach, credit or financial counselor to help keep them on track. A trained therapist can also help free some of the emotional blocks that get in the way.

  My money mantra? Help others make peace with money. Then walk the walk.

 

 

Announcing Money Workshop for Therapists

I'm pleased to announced my next training for psychotherapists, the Money Workshop for Therapists to be held at the Skirball Cultural Center on January 16, 2010.. If you are a psychotherapist, or know one, click here to check out the registration page to find out more about the event. I look forward to a stimulating conversation with colleagues! 

Stress-Free Holiday Giving

   
God bless America. Where else would people willingly camp out at Sears on Thanksgiving night, all for the privilege of being first in line to shop at 4AM? If the stores all collectively decided to let their employees sleep off their turkey comas, and opened at, say, the late hour of 8AM, would anyone be worse off? Of course not, but the competition to be the first store open spawned the Black Friday madness that is 4AM (Actually, some stores were open by midnight). For me, this marks the epitome of Jean-Paul Sartre’s line “Hell is other people.” In a time of year that is supposed to be about love and peace, competitive holiday giving stress undermines the very goodwill gift giving is meant to represent.

    Now, don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against gifts or spending within one’s budget on thoughtful presents for those you love.  I love gifts- the giving, the receiving, the unwrapping. (And frankly I’m counting on the wealthy not to hold back this holiday season, as our economy could use the boost!) But I have always been saddened how people sometimes allow themselves to stir themselves into a frenzy over them and lose touch with the true meaning of giving.

    Families on a budget may do the Thanksgiving line-up or competitively elbow other shoppers to get the best-priced hot toy of the season. Some worry about choosing the “perfect gift” for a loved one or wish they could afford it when they’ve found one. Wealthier families may feel pressure to get the nicest most fabulous gifts for their family, friends, and for their friends’ kids, trying to outdo each other with their lavish generosity. Ironically, while trying to give generously to our loved ones, this self-created societal holiday stress can result in treating them less than generously.

    So here’s my big holiday giving reframe. During this holiday season, I propose we consider all the ways in which we give, regardless of our monetary budget. When reminded of our own generosity of spirit, it takes the pressure and weight off of the material giving. If we make a point of extending this generosity during the holidays, we will think twice before we let holiday stress interfere with how we treat people.

     How can we orient ourselves to think about our generosity of spirit this time of year?  Let’s focus on how we treat humanity, the strangers we encounter, and our friends and family. The simplest non-monetary acts of generosity can make a remarkable difference in someone’s day.  Perhaps we can smile and look people in the eye when they are opening doors, giving us change, sweeping the floors in the gym, or ringing up groceries (and gifts!). Maybe we could make a point to let cars in ahead of us when we are driving and to stop for pedestrians. Some may go through home closets and collect things to give to those who have better use for them. When was the last time we called our close friends just to send love, or met them just to exchange hugs?  Maybe there is a special holiday family ritual you can do together to make the children feel extra special. 

    If we orient towards a true spirit of giving of ourselves, perhaps we will put in perspective the importance of finding the perfect present. There is no more perfect present than you. However you express it, please join me in extending love, joy and peace this holiday season. Happy Holidays!

(photo credit: Petr Kratochvil)

Parking Karma and the Laws of Money Attraction

Los Angeles is a metropolis of have and have-nots. In our motoring city, we divide ourselves into those who consider themselves possessing good “parking karma” and those who believe they aren’t so blessed. This is understood by Angelinos to mean that when parking spaces are difficult to find, those with “good parking karma” will find a spot, while those with “bad parking karma” may have to walk a ways. But how is it determined to which category we belong?

When I was younger, I had always considered myself belonging to the “bad parking karma” category, and parking was doomed a particular challenge for me unless I was fortunate enough to carpool with a “good parking karma” person. This continued for some time until I started experimenting with the notion that maybe I could experience a parking karmic shift if suddenly I decided the opposite. So I set out and started telling myself I had good parking karma- and lo and behold, I started to have it!

How did I explain this to myself? While I can hold my own in the “woo woo” department (and don’t discount the impact of “stars realigning for me”), I found a more parsimonious explanation. Perhaps if I thought I was destined to get a parking spot, then I was looking more keenly for the opportunities. Expecting that someone would go to his/her car or a space would open just as I was passing, I would notice the spot in the corner of my eye and be ready to act. In other words, I was poised when opportunity knocked and so my parking luck shifted. This is how parking karma became my way of viewing the laws of attraction. Sometimes what we view as random blessings can in part be explained simply as self-fulfilling prophecy.

Now, this is not to say that the universe hasn’t its own caprices and that random acts don’t occur. They do. And certainly some seem more blessed than others. But sometimes we see what we are poised to see – we have selective attention. If we expect it, we are more likely to see it when it comes; we are also more likely to act when opportunity knocks.

So what does this have to do with money? I occasionally get asked, “What make some seem to attract money more easily than others?” Certainly some start off with greater advantages than others- greater access to finances and education, or talents that will impact opportunities and money attraction. But when we control for those variables, what are the more mysterious influences? One difficulty with this question is the implication that money attraction is a trait that people either have or don’t have, rather than a state that is changeable. That is, I attract money or I don’t; I’m a “money person” or I am not. Who do you think tends to “attract” more money?

Here’s where parking karma comes into play. Many who consider themselves not able to attract money will perpetuate that reality, while others who consider themselves “money people” will in turn more easily gravitate towards money.  Just as with parking karma, perhaps this has less to do with the laws of attraction and more to do with a self-fulfilling prophecy based on a self-concept about our ability to attract money.

There are many ways we come by our money self-concept, including money attitudes in family of origin, cultural context, personal history, and self-confidence. But once established, we don’t have to accept a negative money self-concept as the way it is and always will be. There is hope in considering this money self-concept as changeable. What would happen if we suddenly decided, “I am a money person”? How might this change our money habits and attitudes? Would we be more open to becoming more conversant with money? Would that in turn help us to “attract” more money? How willing are we to experiment with this?

(Image courtesy of Peter Griffin)

 

Trick or Treat? Children and Philanthropy

    When I was a child, every Halloween was preceded by the ritual distribution at school of a small orange box. We were to take this box along with our plastic pumpkins (or, for the more ambitious among us, pillowcases), and use it to collect small change while out trick- or -treating. I would then clumsily return this box to the school with the understanding that some disadvantaged youth in some far off country would somehow benefit from the change while I devoured my Halloween candy. Theoretically, this isn’t a bad deal. I lived in a rich country where not only did I always have shoes and potable water, but on October 31 of every year I could forage for chocolate and other also-ran candies at my neighbors’ for free. All I had to do was dress up and look cute. 

    But wait. There was the matter of this little orange box. For me, this box was a reminder that trick-or-treating was not really a free endeavor after all- I paid for it with that little orange box and its accompanying guilt. According to their web site, Unicef  has this way raised over $144 million since 1949 to feed, vaccinate and provide other services to many children in need.  As a source of aid to children in need, this has been a great success. But as a lesson in philanthropy for children, I can fairly say that was completely lost on this trick-or-treater. For me it created life-long brand-recognition – a smart marketing tool to be sure – but it didn’t make me a particularly philanthropic-thinking child. It only made me feel guilty about Halloween.

     Why is that? First of all, I had no connection whatsoever to either the contents of my orange box or to the cause it was going to. Since the money in the box was counted by the school, not at home, I didn’t even know how much money I had raised.  In fact, I didn’t even understand the concept that I was “raising” money. Second, I was conscripted in this endeavor.  I was commanded to take this box and get change for the charity that had the most pull with my school. Though I was fine doing it, I had no choice in the matter and had no personal stake in it. In my young mind, this box stood out more as an object meant to show me that I better darn well be grateful for that Snickers bar, than as an act of true charity.

     So how do we better foster a sense of philanthropy in children? Charity, strictly defined, is “voluntarily giving of help” (Oxford American Dictionary), or “benevolent goodwill toward or love of humanity” (Webster’s Dictionary) deriving from the latin “caritas” which means Christian love.  Charity in its pure form is an act of love: “freely given” as freely we receive.

    When adults teach kids philanthropy in the context of creating gratitude, it can often backfire, as children become resentful and/or shameful or guilty. Further, it generates thinking about charity as a give to get equation: give charity, get gratitude/my approval/Halloween candy. Or, conversely, in order to enjoy this day, you must take this orange box, or if you take this orange box, you may absolve your guilt for enjoying this day. Worse yet, kids can even internalize, “you don’t deserve what is given to you”.

We adults ought to be more charitable about charity! Absent emotional strings, acts of philanthropy can engender true charity (love freely given) in children. When kids get involved in seeking a philanthropic endeavor that has meaning to them, they develop a chance to build a sense of connectedness to fellow humans.  I’ve seen kids, moved by the tragedy of Hurricane Katrina, gather up old clothing and toys to give to children who had lost their homes. I know other children who enjoy feeding the homeless at Thanksgiving and have met teens whose personal experiences compel them to volunteer their time for children with autism or to walk for teen suicide prevention. Because these causes have particular meaning to them, this philanthropy not only fosters true charity in these kids, it also promotes a sense of accomplishment and pride in what they are doing.

This Halloween I’m hunkering down with a bag of candy and donating to the children’s charity of my choosing- and if a child comes looking for candy and small change for their Unicef boxes, I’ll freely and gladly give. Happy Halloween!

Toward Money Health: Finding Balance and Integration

When someone recently asked me what I mean when I refer to having a healthy relationship with money, I was reminded of Jacob Needleman’s book Money and the Meaning of Life.  Needleman stresses the need for us to reconcile the duality of the part of us that deals with the everyday world and the “higher part” that seeks something more transcendent. He proposes money, the principal way we interact in western society, as the medium to reconcile these parts. Applying this concept to the question posed, to me money health boils down to integrating and balancing money in our daily lives.  This would include balanced money behaviors, integrating money views in a way that serves us as adults participating in daily society, and confronting our money conflicts and stories head on.

Behaviorally, a balanced money approach modulates the flow of money- neither hoarding it nor spending excessively. Like food, another necessary yet oft abused fact of life, money flow requires regulation. Extreme food behaviors of either starvation or binging turn a necessary part of life into a source of harm. Similarly, with money these extremes manifest in either denial and hoarding, or spending beyond our means into excessive debt, neither of which serve our well-being.

While we strive for balanced money behaviors, money health also means balancing our money views in a “secular” way. Much of the dialogue I hear regarding money has a black/white binary and absolutist flavor.  Many worship money, while others vilify it. However, these views just represent two sides of the same (ehem) coin. Both in their own way deify money.

On one side are the money worshipers, who chase after money like it’s the Holy Grail.  Whether or not they succeed at accumulating money, it thus becomes a desperate attempt to gratify some other psychological or spiritual need (such as feelings of worth or meaning seeking).  On the other side stand those who believe renouncing money is some kind of virtue- similarly a way to fulfill a psychological or spiritual need (such as longing to prove one’s “goodness"). In both cases money stands in for something else that distorts its meaning. In neither case is the view of money balanced or integrated in a healthy way. 

At the same time that we acknowledge money’s practical significance, we must also acknowledge money’s emotional weight and face our money conflicts – conflicts most of us would rather deny and avoid. The balance here is neither avoiding nor obsessing about our money conflicts, but rather facing our money demons in order to understand and heal them. A healthy relationship with money, then, would comprise acknowledging and integrating its role as a fundamental fact of our practical and emotional daily lives.  When we do this we may better meet the challenges and responsibilities of being an adult in our civilization.